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     Funniest Pond Stories
  

Get ready for some gut-wrenching, laugh out loud hilarious pond stories from all over the world...

We had some hilarious, truly gut wrenching, laugh out-loud stories sent in by some of you. We've narrowed down our entries to the top four stories. The rest is up to you. I'm asking everyone of you to 'vote' on your favorite 'funniest pond story'. The results will be released in our next newsletter. [Editor's Note: Voting for 2005 has closed and the winner has been announced. If you missed the announcement, click here.]

So sit back and get ready to take part in Pond Story Idol. Here's a brief rundown of our contestants: dreaming of living life like a koi, a command performance by "The Robin Williams of Dogs," The Case of the Unwanted Pond Guest and, what ever contest needs, a wet t-shirt story.

Our first contestant is Andrea Duggan of Center Moriches, NY who shares a funny story about a runaway renovation project.

Funny Pond Story #1

Have you ever noticed how one little thing leads to another, and then another?
I am sure we are not the only ones who fall prey to the “just one more thing” idea.
Joe and I have loved our pond from the beginning. However, it just started to annoy us that these beautiful koi, that we adore, would float around happy and content while we work hard everyday. Then, when it gets hot, they get to swim in a nice pond and we get to bake in the sun watching them! How fair is that?

Well, to remedy that, we decided to treat ourselves to a hot tub a few years ago. There is just the two of us and wouldn’t it be nice to relax in one after work? We could lounge around like our koi do! So, we researched and shopped and bought a hot tub. Of course we had a great place for it, right off of the deck, to the left. Our pond is off of our deck to the right. But, I noticed that if the hot tub was adjacent to the deck we could not lounge in the hot tub AND see the pond and waterfall so we decided to extend the deck a little bit...just far enough out to form an “L” so that we would have an unobstructed view! By the way, when I refer to “we” I usually mean I have the ideas and my poor husband Joe gets to “enjoy” doing the project after commuting 90 miles each way for work everyday. Of course, Joe lovingly built a deck addition to accommodate our pond view!

So, for the past three years we have enjoyed the hot tub with a view! But, you know, the little patch of grass between the hot tub, the deck and the pond is annoying to mow, so I had to ponder about that. In the meantime, I was diagnosed with a serious illness and my new motto has been, “Life is short... tough, let’s...” and I fill in the blanks with whatever I have been putting off for tomorrow. I have to admit, Joe and I continued to enjoy the hot tub but we were still getting pretty aggravated that we were hot and tired and the 10,000 gallon pond is there and we have nowhere to cool off. Then, we decided ….”Life is short…” let’s build a “pond” for ourselves.

This April we had a large semi-in-ground pool installed so that we could cool off, just like our koi. But, guess what...we had to situate the entire pool and surrounding new deck area so that, yep, we could be in the pool or on the side deck AND still see the pond and waterfall. Not a bad idea except, to do that, it cost us an extra $500. to run the electricity across the entire back yard, it cost another couple of hundred dollars to relocate the new deck steps to accommodate the view, and several hundred dollars to buy pavers and the underlayment to connect the pool with the pond area. AND.... don’t forget that pain in the neck patch of grass, we might as well put pavers over that and unify the deck, the hot tub, the pond and the pool. Joe was absolutely thrilled, I am sure, when I took out the spray can and painted the perimeter of the area he could excavate each night after work so that he could haul the 200 large, square 50 lb cement patio blocks over and make a “unified” patio area.

But, guess what.... the walkway around the pond looked kind of shabby next to all this newly added landscaping so I thought wouldn’t it be great if we took out the gravel path (it always grew weeds anyway) and instead, created a cement walkway to further unify the pool, the pond, the hot tub, the deck and the new patio area? Joe couldn’t have been more overjoyed with my ideas. Thank God we have a kind friend Steve, who LOVES to do this sort of thing too! Now the two of them get to work at placing at least 100-foot of cement forms around the pond walkway.
But, guess what.... if we keep the new walkway exactly where the old one was it will be too close to the pool and wouldn’t it look nicer if we dug up those dozen or so shrubs and relocated then to happier places? Joe was so happy with my idea. He skipped over to the shed and graciously (he really was gracious) dug up all those shrubs and replanted them for me. We had no choice; with the new walkway the shrubs would have been in the way! Anyway, the good news is that the weather has been getting warmer so now Joe and Steve can continue to work in the nice summer heat and they can cool off in the pool and then hit the hot tub to relax those sore muscles.

Oh, I forgot to mention, our friend from MAKC, Carolyn Weise, stopped over to help weed and “design” my new pond planting areas. Guess what...she thought it would be a lovely idea if we bought a seven-foot red maple to plant behind the waterfall. After all, it would add height, color and eventually, shade! You guessed it; Joe graciously drove me to the nursery, selected a tree and happily planted it right where Carolyn said it should go.

NOW, the yard is a mess of excavations and Joe had to take a day off to get a handle on this cement walkway but it is almost there...I can see it in my mind’s eye!

Guess what... pretty soon we can be as happy as our koi!

Andrea Duggan (dedicated with Love to Joe)
Center Moriches, NY

===

Funny Pond Story #2

"Dear all at McArthur,
 
"Tails-Up Templar the Saint" a/k/a "Simon" is the master of his domain. He is a 4-year old Airedale Terrier who permits us, his humans, to share his home. His favorite place, for sure, is the pond. It is his favorite place because we, his humans, spend a lot of time sitting in the big wooden chairs around the pond, relaxing to the soothing sound of the falls or watching the colorful koi dance among the lily pads. It is his favorite place because it is his own personal chilled water bowl -- a never-ending stream of cold, fresh water flowing down the waterfalls right to where he stands. And it is his favorite place because there is a constant stream of activity -- the birds who drop in for a bath, the squirrels who come by for a drink, and the dragonflies who hover for fine mosquito dinners! Simon loves to stalk them all. Fortunately for the fauna, Simon is not a great hunter.

To Simon, like most Airedales, everything is a big joke. Someone once described Airedales as the "Robin Williams of Dogs". In Simon's case, the pond is his stage. What could be more fun than stealing one of his human's possessions and running endlessly around the pond playing "Keep-Away", or taking a big wet guzzle from the pond, then parking his big bearded wet snout in the lap of the nearest human. We can almost hear him laugh at his own cleverness.

For great fun, however, nothing beats "Stalking the Koi". It's fun -- not because Simon really wants to catch the koi -- but because he gets us, his humans, to rush out of our chairs to shoo him away, and there's nothing like baiting humans into a good chase! Hahaha, he has such fun.

So, with this background in mind, hopefully we, his humans, don't sound too sadistic whan I say that we laughed ourselves silly the day that Simon turned the tables on himself. He was in a particularly mischievous mood that afternoon, chasing koi all around the pond, swishing his face in the water, then putting his pond-soaked beard in the lap of anyone who dared take a seat around the pond. There were no dry pants in the vicinity, the fish were running for cover, and Simon was having the time of his life.

Returning to the pond from his latest wet attack on the humans, he looked over at us with that big goofy smile and once again dunked his furry head in for a drink. But this time he got a surprise -- when a 12" koi lost its sense of direction and swam like a shark headlong into Simon's mouth and halfway down his throat! His face an expression of absolute terror, he shook and shook his head, and shook again, to disgorge the fat aquatic invader that had become lodged securely in his mouth, but all to no avail. The fish had seemingly taken up permanent residence in Simon's mouth. Worried about both the koi and the Airedale, the nearest human reached in Simon's open mouth and extracted the big fish by the tail, depositing him safely back into the pond. Absolutely terrified by the shocking fish attack, Simon tucked his tail so far between his legs that it appeared to vanish, tucked back his ears, and slinked off into a corner of the yard to lick his emotional wounds for the balance of the day.

We thought Simon would require years of therapy before we would return to the pond but, in time, he was back, slurping and chasing once again. But now he does his slurping where the fish aren't swimming. Simon and the koi are alive and well in and living in Ohio.


Bruce Gaynor. Esq.
Clevland, OH

 

Funny Pond Story #3

We have a small preformed pond (125 gallons) with 5 rather large goldfish. We also have some city pigeons that flew in one day to eat at the bird feeder and apart from spilling much of the seed on the ground, didn't do much damage or so we thought.......

We noticed the water hose leading from the filter to the pond was knocked ascew a couple of times. Worried that the water might drain out of the pond, particularly as our small dog seemed to show a new and inordinate interest in that area, my husband decided to find out what was causing the commotion. He soon saw it: hiding inside the lip of the preformed pond was the long, thin, fleshy coloured tail of a rat ! It has formed quite a nice little apartment for itself complete with seeds from the pigeon spillage, water from the pond and security from the weather.

Calling out to me to find his spanner so he could bean the rat, I ran into his workshop while he was holding on to the tail. I would need to be quick as the rat was digging in for all it was worth. I opened the door to the workshop and was met with more clutter than I had ever seen in my 19 year old son's room ! I guess I was more time than I though because when I rushed back, spanner in hand, my husband said he no longer needed it. Bracing to see the dead rat I instead struggled to hold back laughter as my husband held up the tail and only the tail ! The rat had pulled it off (or so he said). To make matters worse he then dropped the tail into the pond where the biggest fish captured the prize and I am sure enjoyed the protein of that big worm ! The rat ran for the hills, or in this case the raised flower beds and was never seen again.
 
Susan Bryan
Langley, BC
 

Funny Pond Story #4

Last year I was on all fours trying to adjust a rock around the pond. While reaching with my right hand to push a rock back my left hand slipped and into the pond I went. I slipped completely under in pea soup water as I had not yet gotten my UV/biofilter. My pond is a preform so I didn't want to stand with my body weight on it. I was having a horrible time trying to wiggle backwards to leave the pond the same as I had entered. Everytime I reached to grip a rock, down I would go!!

In the meanwhile my eight fish were swimming around me trying to decide if the person who fed them was now food for them. I hope they didn't understand the language their caregiver was using.

I finally made it out of the pond and prayed the neighbors had not seen me fall in and I especially hoped they had not seen the braless look under the wet t-shirt!!

Barb Luick

==

Well that's it for this year's 'Funniest Pond Stories'...


 

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